And because no one demanded it.

And because no one demanded it.

And because no one demanded it.. Another update on my campaign.. But now a warning.. at some point there is some weird fetishie stuff that is at least PG-13.. kids stop reading.. though it is kind of funny.

Aryia awakes in the dungeon. All of her equipment gone and wearing just bright yellow linen shirt and pants. Has a manacle on her ankle. Stupidly planning to escape. Pretending to be sick then decided not to be sick. Asking for water.. then peeing in the water bowl (?). Making the water glow and sanctifying the water (cleric magic). Standing with the glowing water filled bowl over her head for 2 hours claiming it is magic. “I will share my magic pee with you all”

Brought before the magistrates. Open courtyard lots of crossbowmen, throne and chairs for city council, captain of the guard, lord of the city, still plotting to stupidly escape. “I can grab a guards spear…” “and die from being riddled with quarrels?” Talking with other prisoners, claiming she is innocent “me too!” “Aye we are all innocent!” Prisoners laugh. She gets bonked on head by one of the guards with his spear (not that hard, she a little elf chick after all) “When I am free you will be the first to die!” bonk more threats bonk couple of minutes of this bonk

The first prisoner , a highwayman named Mugar, charges read, robbed and killed lots of people, no way to make restitution, beheaded. Next prisoner, another highwayman named Samtat, pleads that though he took their coins he never killed anyone or injured anyone who didn’t resist. Also he has a way to make some restitution. There is a secret compartment in his crossbow that has several gems. The high priest is brought to the courtyard. The priest verifies the truth of what was said. Lord Willhem assesses the gems and commutes his sentence from execution to slavery for the church. Few more prisoners are tried and then it is her turn.

When the charges are read of course she interrupts bonk “you will have your turn to speak” more threats bonk finish reading the charges then she gets to speak. “I have come to warn you of a coming necromancer invasion! You need me to help defend the city! I am the best warrior here!” ” Why did you kill one of the city guards?” ” he was going to kill my wolf companion….” “He was leading the wagon with your captured wolf on it. I have already spoken to him. The church resurrected him.” Aryia gives an argument that since he is now alive it’s like he never really died anyway and Worthington could have resurrected him as well. When asked about the stables she burned and horses she injured she talks about trying to rescue her wolf and then goes off on a tirade about how the guards are weak and how she should be hired to defend the city. Then about how she could kill all the guards by herself and in fact could destroy a town by herself.

At this point the high priest rushes to her side and hurriedly whispers for her to shut the f*** up. He explains that he has already interceded with Lord Willhem her behalf and that Lord Willhem dislikes her and if you keep talking she will get herself executed. And that he is done all he can do on behalf of the Unnamed god that spoke to him the night before. Then taking a deep breath to compose himself he turns and faces Lord Willhem and quickly explains that Aryia has been given a mission by a God, and that the God-touched are sometimes unhinged by the experience. Lord Willhem has been sitting on his throne with one hand stroking his beard, looking very calm. “Enough priest. You have already spoken of this with me. Let the prisoner continue.. Go on..tell me more of how you will kill all my guards and destroy a nearby town… ” Aryia shuts up.. after a moment of silence, Lord Willhem continues. “No? Said enough you think? Captain Greel show me their assets.” After a moment he passes judgment. .. “In spite of your crimes since you are on a mission for a deity you will not be executed. All of your assets are forfeit to repair the damage done to the city. You and your party will be escorted four days hence and left at the edge of the shallow sea..” Aryia interrupts to try to explain about the sword she’s commissioned bonk “ALL of your assets are forfeit. You will be exiled from the city but before that your portrait will be taken and placed on wanted posters. A price of 75 coins will be placed on your head. Do not return to this city or its lands.” Aryia and Worthington are brought to the royal portrait maker that uses some kind of magical device to take a picture of them.

Aryia thinks about killing the portrait maker then realizes she would still be trapped in the castle. (Her player is asking me about this.. At this point I explained that they will both be exiled anyway so just wait. What is to be gained by attacking this guy? And you still have manacles and chains on and their are still four guards walking you both around). Soon they are placed on a wagon drawn by two horses, escorted by nine guards and a sergent. They stop by the inn Jocat and Baldwin are still at. They gather their gear and go with the wagon of shame. They leave the city.. now things take a turn for the weird… Since Aryia keeps making threats about killing the guards bonk she is kept manacled at all times. Oh and the guard that keeps bonking her on the head is the same guard, his name is Porbag but she calls him Bonk. He has to feed her, help her do her potty, etc. She goes on about how she will kill him when she returns bonk “You shouldn’t return to Westbar, Lord Wilhelm will have your head. He has already hung the wanted posters.” ” I will return, and I will have my vengeance. I will pee in your mouth when I return.” (Note from gm: hi-low roll to see how much Porbag would be into that. 11 on 2d6) ” You know, you don’t have to wait to return to have your ‘vengeance’…” and so things take a turn for the perverse..”ah I have had my vengeance.” “We have a few more days of travel, you could have vengeance a few more times..” and the best line in the campaign so far is…”As I pee in his mouth I tell him about my god.”

Still Aryia wants to kill the guards so on the last day she prays for divine guidance. The Unnamed god appears in her dream. “No don’t kill them, why would you think you should?” Weird rambling logic from her player. Aryia then asks about Baldwin’s new power. “He saw himself as a mighty warrior so I gave him powers to help him become one. As Jocat seeks lost knowledge..” “Yes you have giving me the ability to to make magic pee.” “Say what now?” “My pee can glow and is magical.” “I…see.. OK I see.. very well..” (Gm notes again.. the Unnamed god had given Aryia clerical powers.. but now he sees things have to be adjusted.) Morning and they are at the shore of the shallow sea (based on the front of the same name). Aryia tries to persuade Bonk to stay but he has a career in Westbar. When she last pees on him she notices that her pee does now glows and it made Bonk look younger and or healthier (pee power to appear in the next couple of posts). The sergent, the guards and the wagon head back to Westbar, leaving Aryia, Nymeria, Worthington, Baldwin and Jocat on the pebbly beach.

3 thoughts on “And because no one demanded it.”

  1. A classic, and your player has shown their wisdom. I wish her well in future pee-formances.

    There is a “sacred pee” scene in the Chinese classic novel Journey to the West by Wu Cheng’en, a contemporary of Shakespeare.

    The intrepid adventurers deceive some Daoists into drinking some magic “holy water”:

    “That was no holy water you drank. ‘Twas only the urine we pissed that stank!” p324


    “The five hundred Buddhist prisoners were all released and the cart was smashed to pieces. As if that weren’t enough, they sneaked into our temple last night, vandalized the holy images of the Three Pure Ones, and devoured all the imperial offerings. We were fooled by them at first, thinking that the Honorable Divines had descended to Earth. We therefore even asked them to give us some golden elixir and holy water with which we might present your Majesty, so that you would be blessed with eternal youth. We hardly expected that they would trick us by leaving their urine. We found out all right, after each of us had tasted a mouthful!” p326

  2. Dear Clerics:





    -Bill Clinton

    It makes it hard for us GMs to even fathom up a deity for such things, and he gets beat up by all the more civilized and awesome gods (except nature cause they too hippie)



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